till you cross the finish line

I often find myself stopping right in front of the finish line rather than mustering the strength to push through. Everytime the end is in sight, i never have the will to even take a step to make a final closure. It happens to me at almost anything i do, and i hate myself for that. In tests, i would finish the test, but i'd be too lazy to double check, or read through the answers. In races i would start slowing down a meter before i reach the finish line. And right now, studying for the last exams of the year, i simply want to just give up. In my mind i kept screaming "who cares, whatever!", but another faint voice tells me "try your best, it's your last exam do your best and then you can relax."

By spending those extra minutes in double checking you answers, you could save yourself 5% of your test grade. By pushing yourself and running your fastest till the end you can run faster by seconds. By pushing yourself in studying for that last exam can pull you grade from an A to and A+. This is what i need to learn, your will and persistence always wins, if you give up on yourself even before you finish then you ultimately lose.

just 2 more days of exams to go~ hopefully i can finally cross that finish line.

sleep, dreams, paralysis

Sleep paralysis, lemme tell you, is not funny, or cool. It is freaky to the max. Words cannot describe the fear i felt when i was going through my first sleep paralysis. i thought i was dead, and i am not exaggerating. It was one of those dreams where you dream yourself falling, but when you're so close to hitting the ground you snap up. However this one night i remember falling and waking up finding myself stuck. I couldn't move, I couldn't breath, my eyes were half open and half closed. It was horrible. I wanted to scream, but i couldn't even open my mouth, i was just stuck. I was sweating and struggling, it felt like hours! It was as if there was an unseen force sitting on my chest, and pushing my whole body down against the bed. At first I was scared, and i panicked, then after a while i started getting angry and annoyed. I struggled so hard until finally one of my arms broke free, i quickly pinched myself really hard on my thigh and my whole body was back to its mobility. I am going to stop here. you can google sleep paralysis if you like. (:

Next thing i want to talk about is dreams. I use to believe good dreams means you're lucky, and bad dreams means you're unlucky. But when i was in 4th grade someone told me what you dream is not based on luck, but is based on your own mind.

I'm going to start ranting but here it is and keep this in mind. you can agree or disagree. but when you have dreams, you think about what is going to happen next, subconsciously, or consciously (conscious dreams are called lucid dreaming, yes i just learned that today). After all it is human nature to predict, or make estimated guesses about the future. In my dreams (lucid ones) I often catch myself in dreams thinking of what is going to happen next, making guesses in my head, and usually what i predict or think about happens in my dream. This happened to me so many times that i finally figured your will dreams to go the direction you want it to go. Your dreams can turn from one of your sweetest dreams to your worst nightmare. Or from you worst nightmare to your sweetest dreams.

I know i'm ranting like crazy about dreams and sleep paralysis, but these are things i feel so strongly about. Your dreams really reflect who you are, how you feel, or/and how you think. I'd like to think optimistic people dream happy dreams because what they think whether in reality or in dreams are always always brigther and happier. So be happy and optimistic if you want good dreams HAHAH (:

listening

I find myself in a world where people are so wrapped up in their own problems sometimes they simply don't give a crap about what you think and how you feel. That is what i use to think of people as a whole, self absorbed self seeking, selfish in general. I guess i was sort of a mild misanthropist. But i realized that this world isn't full of selfish people, in fact there are so many people out there who dedicate their lives for the greater good of the society, and they never get recognized. it's not he recognition they're looking but its the great rewarding feeling they get during and after they finish their service.

I learned this through the two years in blind school. sometimes on a friday night the last thing i needed is to deal with disabled children who i need to repeat myself countless times to get my point across. i hated myself for sometimes falling asleep in my class, or getting annoyed at my student because i was simply to tired and irritated. but in the end of the day, i felt accomplished and i felt rewarded because i didn't spend my friday night playing tetris, farmville, or watching southpark at home, but i spent my friday night teaching those that are visually impaired. I felt rewarded because i spent my friday night doing something productive, and something that benefited others, and not just myself.

I really look up to my students, though they are blind, nothing stopped them from doing what they wanted to do. They sing, they dance, they play sports just like we do, sometimes they do it even better than us. They fall in love, they get jobs and they raise their own family, they are just like in many ways, and in many other ways they are better than us. They are the perfect examples of those who live their life to the fullest, and those who never give up.

i can say that i learn more than i have taught my students, thankyou my students or shoulod i say my teachers? haha.

*sorry about bad grammar, its an issue in writing i've been battling for a verrryy long time ):

exams

i'd just like to say screw you.

its been a nice day today, but i guess its ruined because i woke up at 9 pm got scolded by my mom, and i'm studying math.

go people just a few more days of suffering and we can enjoy ourselves in summer!

加油! 加油!

overposting??

exams next week but i feel absolutley NO motivation to do any work. what is wrong with me? i'm so tired, and bored, i just can't wait till summer is here.

god bless my soul, i need icecream now

jia you

i felt great after my first post, its almost as if a huge weight was lifted off my shoulder, and i feel completely ready to face the exams coming up next week, but i forgot to say something to my dearest friend, maxine.

maxine i love you very much, and i hope you know that.

i konw you're going through a hard time, and i know you're coping with it really well, a and i'm soo proud of you (:. i just want you to know even though i told you ten gazillion times that i will always be here for you! and be strong. i'm sorry when you cry i dont hang around, simply because i feel very nervous when people cry, and i dont know what to say or do. And i'm sorry that i can't give you any helpful advice, simply cause i really dun have any expierence in the troulbes you are going through, but if you ever need a hug i'm here, and if you ever need me to draw grafitti, to game with you, or to just sit and chill just gimme a call! you konw my number

jia you! its hard times for you but after the exams you will have plenty of times to think things through and work things out. i'll be with you every step a long the way!

love you lots

me, myself and i

I've been wanting to start a blog for a very long time but I never had the courage to. As weird as this may sound, i'm terrified of what people think of me. This fear of what people think of me stopped me from expressing my own feeling, stopped me from thinking for myself, and over the years i realized i lost my voice, i lost my own identity.

this blog is for me to learn to express myself, to learn to not care what i think others think of me, but simply learn to be myself, and learn to face my feelings. To my friends i'm always happy, ditsy, shallow person (i think?) partly its my fault because i act that way, but by being happy, and always laughing is the only way i learned to hide my feelings. Because by laughing so much you eventually convince yourself nothing is wrong, in fact you make yourself forget what is wrong, but deep down you will always have the unshakable feeling that something is amiss. Even to my closest and best-est friend i find it hard to tell her what i feel, or what i'm thinking, that's how hard it is for me to open up, because i'm scared she'll judge, even though i know she's the last person that would judge me (hopefully (: ) . This is the reason i named my blog opening up, for me to learn to open up, for me to let my mind roam, and not to scared about what others think. All the emotions i bottled up inside all these years i'm gonna let it all go and restart.